Thursday, January 1, 2015

Did it, tried it, got the t-shirt...

Two years. It took me two years to realise what I've been looking for I had it all along! Go figure.

I have to thank the experience I had in the two years. I learned how to apply my face, make up was a mystery until one day I had to learn instantly, I can cat eyes now. Woohoo!

I learned how to stand up in a crowd, presentation, that whole voice projection thing. Tens and hundreds up front, and I don't need that 'picture them naked' kind of thing like people always tell you when faced with a crowd.

Travelling was fun up to a point. Then it was all moving through the motions. Learned how to pack, moving around with a trolley bag with wheels is a definite plus. Useful to have a foldable spare bag in the suitcase cos you never know. And cable ties.

And when traveling to new places, I learned where to get sim cards for phones. Thats a bonus.

I saw and experienced flash. Flash cars. Flash places. Flash people. Success equates flash items. Nothing I would have had the opportunity to meet. It was fun while it lasted. Anybody interested in a Gucci bag? I don't need it anymore. It does not bring joy.

And lots more stuff I did, and done, and bought. Some great, others not so proud, remembering back the experiences.

I started that journey, thinking, yeah, I could do with more time to do what I always like. Being creative. Make stuff. Yet, the longer I was in it, the futher away I was getting to what I hoped for. I was always tired and drained. There was no down time. It was literally time is money. If you're not always constantly switched on you're going to lose out. Everything was 'an exchange'. Exchanging time for this with that, its ok, you'll get all the time in the world after that. And you believe it, as thats the only thing you can hope for to happen.

It was a lot of giving. Giving yourself, your time, your effort. But what I wasn't giving was to what really matters. I didn't have time for the family, the house, for myself. I was fortunate my husband was pretty understanding and supportive. It was something I had to do. Just hid the fact I wasn't happy doing it, 'things will get better'.

The system worked. Ideally. I could be too emotional, lack of focus and belief in self, fighting against inherent nature. Probably. Its chasing a dream, a desire. I did or did not have.

I became depressed. I just stopped 'believing'. I avoided. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, but instinctively I was avoiding. Removing self from all that. Self doubt even bigger.

Cheesecake. Hello friend. Can't say you were great for me. Thanks for being there at least while I pull myself together.

Took me months of depression, half a year almost to fully realise, I already got what I was looking for. That awareness just hit me. Oh my god, what I thought I needed I already had!

Its been a fun ride, but its not for me. Like Douglas Adams have said, so long and thanks for the fish. I wish all those who are still on that journey, all the best, may you find what you're looking for.


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